when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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