last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
