Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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