areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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