How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
