I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
