I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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