Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
