nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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