just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
