so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
