I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
