trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
