We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
