so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
