Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
they need to just BURY HIM!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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