Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
