Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
