just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
