I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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