to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
