Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
