I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
