I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
