ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
