Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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