I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
