I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
