I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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