I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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