who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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