I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
