My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
