i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
