MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
