it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
