fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
