The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Randomize
