the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
