The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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