Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
