Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
