she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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