didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
