does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
