She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
