I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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