I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
