i barfeds in our rink
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
