I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
