I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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